Things My Cat Taught Me Without Her Even Knowing It

And this is key: effortless teaching. Like the Zen Master that need not speak to you to impart knowledge, so does my cat expand my horizon by just existing. Haha. Cats (and pets in general) have it good. In this lifetime and age, I don’t think there ever has been another time when pets were pampered more and treated better than us bipedaled creatures, and really to them — we are just that: humans at their disposal. They can’t help it and neither can we resist their charms. [Case in point: accomplished professional talking silly with their dog. There's the step back for mankind for you.]

So here are a few things I learned from my cat that I hope to learn in her lifetime, because if I master them, I really truly am at such an advantage over the human race:

Queen Muffin

1. You don’t have to do anything to be royalty. Just be.

Eat, sleep and be pretty. I sound jealous, don’t I? Think about it: everyone says pets give unconditional love. They make us believe that! We give them unconditional love. Who picks their poop and scoops their pee? Uh-huh, that’s you and me. Who loves unconditionally now?! If someone took care of me as much as I took care of my cat, hell yeah they can swim in all the unconditional love I have to give!

2. It is possible to inconvenience others and yet still get an apology back.

I don’t know what else to attribute it to other than sheer brilliance. I accidentally wake up my cat because I need to get on my bed to rest after a long day of work, and what does she do? Glare at me as if I ruined the only good sleep she ever had in her life! And all that’s left for me to do is apologize, pet her head and help her get back to sleep, at which point I’ve lost my sleepiness. That, my friends, is power that only a few people have, and pets are born with as a birthright.

3. Whine until you get what you want.

Pet wakes you up at 3am wanting food and you give it unless sleep is not precious to you. Whine to a human and things could escalate to war and worse comes to worst, you’ll end up with a hefty bill after a shopping spree to make you feel better after that tiff. See pets don’t need to resort to that.

4. Bite where it hurts.

I’m not talking about physical assault from a pet here. I’m talking smart, passive-aggressive tactics that work. Take for example my cat (well, who else? haha) knows exactly which paper, receipt or book to start chewing to get my attention. I once almost used the line, “My cat ate my homework.” in programming class because she did just that. Blackmail is her middle name.

Watch for part II!

[I hope you know that this is all a joke and I am laughing my arse off right now...]